a demon in my view

In the introduction of A.W. Tozer's /In Pursuit of God/, Samuel Zwemer marvels at Tozer's ability to balance authorship with ministry in the city of Chicago. He even includes a poem about all the evils of the city--greed and demons and temptations at every corner, human wretchedness, ect.

I agree with Zwemer that it is difficult to balance writing with the business of one's life. Self-discipline is hard. However, I would argue that--if you're writing about the Christian life--a place surrounded with temptations and wretchedness and fear is the perfect place to be. These are demons we must all face, and an honest examination of the Christian life must deal with these topics in some form or another. What do we do with them--this is one of the Big Questions of the Christian faith. So if you're going to write a book about searching for God, where better to do it than in a place where you'll be surrounded by these issues? Where you cannot ignore, deny, run away, or forget?

I think a lot of people try to excuse some of the "petty" sins, like meanness, impatience, or selfishness, with the fact that they live in a culture or place where there are an awful lot of people doing the same thing. I know I certainly do. The thing is, though, that if your town is known for its mean streak, it's for you to change it--not to simply fall in line. Stand out! Be better!
Don't think about everything you're doing wrong--think about the ways you can serve God and others. As my mother has been busily writing in graduation cards, with Him there are no regrets.
.....

In other news: in the middle of moving to the South! So excited for all the new experiences, people, places! God has been very good.
.....

Pax

oh the places you'll go

I have been extraordinarily blessed to have the chance to do some traveling before I dive into the timesuck that is research. Today, I was wandering around the city of San Francisco with two lovely friends. We found many delightful things, like a gallery devoted to Dr. Seuss art, an open air fruit market that provided chocolate for dipping, and an old man playing the erhu. Completely worth the sore calves and sunburn.

Pax
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moving day

About a week and a half until I start the drive to the town of my graduate school. Oh heavens, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself--I want to start NOW!

But it is time to rest, visit friends and family, and plan. (Lots of planning, mostly because I've been putting it off until now.)

Well. Time to go.
Life is calling!

Pax
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ricky ticky tavi

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to the inestimable mongoose referenced in the title. It does, however, have to do with a serendipitous occurrence involving the gorgeous Ricky Martin.

My lovely older sister and I had been lucky enough to score some cheap tickets to Once for tonight, our last night in the big city. After going (it was marvelous), we were browsing in one of the souvenir stores down the street when we realized a crowd had gathered outside. Moving outside to see what the fuss was about, we learned that Ricky Martin (currently starring in Evita) was about to leave the building, hence the congregation of gay men and older women.

Well.

I may not have a picture of him on the wall, but it was my first chance at a real celebrity sighting, and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to take it.

I wriggled my way through the crowd as only a skinny girl can, and thus was only a couple people back from the front when he made his entrance. The crowd's response was truly impressive--perfectly reasonable girls screaming "Ricky! He HAS to come over here! I'll just DIE!" at the top of their lungs. Of course, I was practically spooning some poor gay boy in an attempt to see the guy at this point, so I suppose I don't hold the moral high ground. Anyways, he was kind enough to stop and sign some playbills, and when he looked in my direction...

Wow.

I suddenly understood the screams, the thunder and fury of it all, even if only for a moment. For that moment, I would have been willing to swear on my mother's grave that he'd been smiling at ME. (And, of course, ignoring the twink in front of me. Because that's what gay men do, in the mythical land of my imagination.)

Ricky Martin is an devastatingly good-looking man.

I know, I know, you have to be cute to get into the business, and of course I'd seen lovely pictures of him before, but everyone knows those are photoshopped, and who hasn't been disappointed by the difference between the celebrity behind the lens and in real life*? I'd expected to be disappointed, to walk away thinking "well, that was nice, but he's a bit past his prime."

Well. Well well well.
I walk away with renewed hope for the male half of the human race. Even if I don't end up with a guy half that good-looking, it's nice to be reminded what that feels like.
.....

Pax
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*YouTube totally counts.

fricking youngsters

Was wandering around the Frick collection when I uncovered this young couple beneath a J.M.W. Turner. Too cute.

childhood's end

In my chemistry department, there is a tradition of signing a cloth bear upon completion of physical chemistry.

Well. The bear has been signed

And thus ends my undergraduate career. This is my coming of age.

In the past ten years or so, there have been a lot of movies and stories about twenty-somethings or thirty-somethings that just haven't gotten their act together yet. They're usually considered romantic comedies of some sort...but there might be a better classification: they're coming of age stories.

Coming of age stories are what you get when the safety nets are taken away, when you have to be proactive with your own life. This step is being pushed further and further back, so we're coming of age later and later. I wonder when the pendulum will reach its height and begin swinging the other way...

Pax
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i want to become a writer who loves people

Don't you just love the headband?

I love coming-of-age shoujo manga from the 90s, like this one, or this one.They're much like young adult and kids lit from the seventies, full of people figuring out what's really, truly important. What is necessary to live honest, full lives.

"I want to become a writer who loves people." (from here)
This is a one-sentence summary of my ambitions. The character has just decided to embrace her life and love, and so is in the full flush of loving, but it's still a statement to internalize. Maybe "I want to become a scientist who loves people" doesn't have the same ring to it, but that should still summarize my aspirations.

How can I use science to express my love for people, for God?
How can I express love in every facet of my life?

These are the questions of my coming of age.

How can I love more fully?
.....

Pax


Song of the week

finals week

Giggity.
.....

Pax

i feel so cool

If I were more biology-oriented, I'd want to go into microbiology. It's so cool--I now know five different ways to die that involve bleeding from the eyes. Also, I have developed a newfound paranoia of picnics and buffets.

Actually, I have a lot of new paranoias. I might turn into one of those people that hates shaking hands (who knows where those have been--and do you know how many hemorrhagic diseases are transmitted orally???). That's rude, though, so I'll probably just start washing compulsively.

Anyways. Pathogenic microbes has eaten my life. Exam on Friday.
Pray for me. >.<

Pax
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feminiwoo

For all the girls who say "Guys just understand me better!"

Usually they just want in your pants.
No, not all the time, but most of the time. Think about it--can you name a single truly ugly girl that has more male than female friends?

Listen, it's fine to have male friends. Really great, actually, and I'm speaking as the first female cabinet member of my college's Nerf club (which was, until I joined, all male). But there's got to be balance; if you have no female friends, there's a problem--and if we're all honest with ourselves, it's probably you.

Maybe you like the validation. This isn't a crime--most of us need reassurance that we can draw male interest, even in the most platonic form. Maybe you just have really masculine interests. Also totally ok. However, you shouldn't let these aspects of your personality completely define you. If you need male validation, don't let it reach the point that you start selling off pieces of yourself for it. Explore other aspects of your personality--develop hobbies, learn a new skill, inhabit a rich life that doesn't revolve around men.

If you're all about video gaming, martial arts, quantum mechanics, or something else that has (traditionally) been male dominated, that's fantastic! You are probably super cool! Be proud to be such a strong, capable woman. Don't feel like you need to reject your femininity, which is a crucial part of your personality whether you want to admit it or not--instead, use it to bring a fresh perspective to your field. There is no need to be ashamed of being "girly"--you've already shown that being a woman does not make you weak.

Be female and proud.
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Pax

omfgfargleface

I love everything about this episode.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/349846/up-all-night-the-proposals

"And now Tony's dead! Oh, you boys and your knives."

Song of the Week: http://youtu.be/Ua26qTEK25U

Pax
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a separate self

Bluebeard

This door you might not open, and you did;
So enter now, and see for what slight thing
You are betrayed.... Here is no treasure hid,
No cauldron, no clear crystal mirroring
The sought-for truth, no heads of women slain
For greed like yours, no writhings of distress,
But only what you see.... Look yet again—
An empty room, cobwebbed and comfortless.
Yet this alone out of my life I kept
Unto myself, lest any know me quite;
And you did so profane me when you crept
Unto the threshold of this room to-night
That I must never more behold your face.
This now is yours. I seek another place.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay
......

I think that it's important to be (at least a little) reserved. Hold just a bit back in your interactions with other people. Be old-fashioned.

This definitely applies online, where it's so easy to tell secrets while blanketed in anonymity. The thing is, your secrets are your secrets, whether the one you're telling knows you as Sarah Smith or CheesecakeHead, and they are a crucial part of what defines you. Keeping yourself to yourself allows you to make what may be one of the most powerful statements in the world--but this is not all that I am.

This is not all that I am.
The comic book industry is founded on the need to be more than anyone knows. It is a gift you can give yourself, simply by diversifying, by having many aspects to your life. And not sharing everything with everyone. It keeps things in a sense of proportion, so you can remember the world is bigger than this fight, this relationship, this loss.

You ought to give of yourself to other people. You ought to build deep and lasting friendships, to share your life and love with wonderful people. But set something aside--be it ever so small--so you can remember how big the world really is.

Pax
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cooking protip #1

When making scrambled eggs, add a little milk. It lets you use 2 instead of 3, and the eggs are fluffier.

Also, cook on med-high instead of high, so your eggs aren't tough.

Pax
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story of my life

Officer: Don't ever run after a man. That's a sure way to lose him.
Brigitte: I know, but I can't help myself.
     --Une Parisienne

think about it

I dare you to name one movie in which the most sexually desirable female has short hair.

No, really. Think about it.

The "hot chick" in the movies? Always has long hair. The chicks with short hair are the sidekicks.

Kind of makes you wonder if your friends aren't engaging in a little friendly sabotage whenever you get a haircut and they start cooing "How cuuuuute!"

(Or maybe you've passed sexy and gone straight to awesome. I know I could live with that.)

Pax
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subject to change

We all have one. Some take it more seriously than others. I've become convinced that your bucket list may be your defining characteristic--kind of like an outline for your life. They're difficult to write--I always have the feeling that I'm leaving something off--but crucial all the same.

I like the idea of having a fluid list to refer to, so I'm going to keep one here.

1. Learn another language. Become as fluent as possible.
2. Live in another country for a year or longer.
3. Get my PhD.
4. Visit every continent.
5. Kiss a boy.
6. Be able to clearly express why I believe what I believe.
7. Write a novel.

Some of these are short term goals. Some are long term goals.Some are very long term goals.
And I expect that I'll add more as I live more, find more things I want to do.

That's ok. It wouldn't be much of a bucket list if it didn't take a lifetime.

Pax
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convincing myself to get up

Don't worry! I am not in the throes of overwhelming depression! (I save that for finals week.) It's just that my landlord is working on the hall outside the bathroom door, and I've got to take a shower today. This may be awkward

I was hoping that he would take the noon hour off, but he's apparently too hard-working for that. Dammit.

Bah. I have things to do. He'll be too busy knocking down walls to hear the shower going, anyways. Up and at 'em.

Pax
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christ, always and forever

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

--a portion from "St. Patrick's Breastplate," which may be found here. 

I was first turned onto St. Patrick's Breastplate by Madeleine L'Engle's use of it in A Switftly Tilting Planet; later, she mentioned it in one of her devotional books, and I looked it up for myself. As long as I've known it, I've loved the stanza quoted above. How can I see Christ in everything and everyone surrounding me? How can I find Christ in each person I meet, both friend and stranger? 

Pax

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childhood's end

I don't think I ever seriously expected to live this long. (Not because I have a tragic, life-threatening disease or anything. I think I assumed that some magical adventure would sweep me away to Narnia or Neverland or Middle Earth, where I would become the adult I was really meant to be while ruling the world. Or die heroically. Whatever.)

I've just never pictured myself as an adult. Really, my inner vision of myself has never aged past the age of thirteen--fifteen, on a good day. (Does it make it any better if I say I was mature for my age? I'm pretty sure I was, then.)

21. The final frontier of adolescence.

At 18, one is technically--legally--an adult, but no one actually expects you to behave like one. At 21, everything changes. All that is legal, I may do and suffer the consequences thereof.

Drink? Check.
Smoke? Check.
Rent a car? Check.
Buy a house and work a job and pay taxes? Check, check, check.

When, at slumber parties, my friends and I would map our lives--demarcating the boundaries of our future selves with the impudence of little popes--and I was always married by 21.

I am not who I expected to be.
I am neither the vague copy of my mother and sisters I told myself to become, nor the cool adult I secretly wanted to be. (I guess it's just not as easy to become a time-travelling spy as the movies make it seem.) I'm somewhere in between, both more and less than I expected.

But all is well
and all is well
and, thanks to the grace and love of my lord,
all will be well.

Pax
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Song of the week: "Blackbird" (originally by the Beatles)

salsafied chicken

Dudes, I have found the chicken recipe to end all chicken recipes. It is delicious and super easy (as long as you know how to stir-fry), and I feel the need to share it with the world.

Salsafied Chicken

Serves: 2
Time: Eh...half an hour? 

1. Make sketchy rice.
    A. Combine 1 cup rice with 2 cups water and a packet or two of Chicken Top Ramen
         flavoring in a small saucepan.
    B. Bring to a boil
    C. Cover and reduce heat to low; cook until water is absorbed by rice.
    Start this before you do anything else, and it will probably be done by the time you finish.
2. Saute a diced small onion (or half of a large one) in some olive oil, with a spoonful of
     minced garlic, until the onion is beginning to turn transparent.
3. While the onions are sauteing, cut up enough chicken for two people--for me and a friend,
     a breast will typically do the trick. You can either cut up some veggies (whatever floats
     your boat) or, as I do, use one of the frozen stir-fry veggie packs from the grocery store
     and skip this step.
4. Add chicken to onion and garlic, and cook until the outside is white.
5. At this point, add some chili seasoning, cut up veggies, an ample portion of salsa, and
    just enough chicken broth so you have a bit of a runny mess. (Pictures of this /will/ go
    up at some point in time.)
6. Cook until chicken is done. By now, the rice will hopefully be done; pour chicken and
    sauce over rice and serve! (I typically leave them separate and let people figure out how
    much chicken/sauce they want with their rice.)

So...I'm a broke college student and a really lazy chef.
It's still totes delicious.

Pax
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teenaged bangs

My bangs are at that long, gawky phase where the ones in the center can make it into a ponytail, but the ones at the side don't. It's kind of like hair adolescence. (Hairlescence?)

This bothers me. I feel like a villain in one of those crappy action movies where you can tell the good guys and the bad guys apart on sight because the good guys are the one with good hair. MY HAIR IS FORCING ME TO BE EVIL.

That is all.

Pax
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is feminism dead?

I was reading a post on hookingupsmart.com in which the author proposed that radical feminism, as we know it, is dead, citing a decrease in google searches for the word feminism as proof of the movement's demise. While the post was interesting in and of itself, I found the discussion in the comments section particularly fascinating.

As I perused the comments, I was struck by their use of the word feminism. Other than some lone voices that claimed that feminism was not in fact dead, the majority of the commenters--who appear to primarily be well-informed individuals with a strong interest in social justice--appeared to define the word as whatever they hate about women today. I've seen the word used this way before--in chauvinist, patriarchal propaganda.

I find it interesting that a movement I had thought of as a fringe movement has had such an effect on our culture.

Also, it depresses me that people still obsess about the fate of women in America. Don't they have better things to do, like developing methods for detecting malaria, or even obsessing about the fate of women in third world countries? The only way the modern American woman can raise the profile of modern American women is to show herself the equal of any man. Don't bother arguing--it's time to do.

Pax
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sign if you like the internet.

Seriously, SOPA and PIPA are bad, bad news for the internet. I'm all for copyright holders getting their dues, but these bills are much too vaguely worded to not be used irresponsibly.

So sign the petition.

https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

Also, write letters, send emails, call your senators. If we don't want this to pass, we need to take action in a meaningful way.

Pax
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style guide: matsumoto tomo

I've been a huge fan of manga since I was fourteen or fifteen, especially the shoujo genre. I don't read as much as I used to, but I was flipping through one of my favorites and started thinking about the fabulous style of these characters. Yes, 90% of shoujo involves girls in either a sailor uniform or the tomboy uniform of jeans and a t-shirt, but some mangakas have an inerrant sense of cool that is reflected in the wardrobe of their characters. One of these is Matsumoto Tomo, of Beauty is the Beast and Kiss. I mean, check out Kurogawa Misa's outfit on the cover of Chapter Two of Beauty is the Beast:

http://www.mangareader.net/1232-42553-2/beauty-is-the-beast/chapter-2.html

The short-sleeved jacket/long-sleeved shirt combo gives that cool 80s vibe, and the scarf is fantastic. 

Or what about the youthful, polka-dotted shirt Eimi is wearing in Chapter 5? 

It has a childlike quality that is untempered by self-awareness. I think that's one of the things I really love about shoujo--many of the mangakas have managed to maintain a sweet, youthful feel that many Americans associate with the 1950s; there is still a purity associated with adolescence, and the kisses are simultaneously awkward and deeply meaningful. It's the same sort of feeling that I get when reading about the relationships between Meg and Calvin, or Vicky and Adam Eddington, in Madeleine L'Engle's books. These characters are somehow both younger and more rational, more grown up, than those in many of the stories we tell ourselves today, in movies and books and webcomics. It's rather lovely to see.

Not that Matsumoto Tomo doesn't address more mature themes (as well as mature style) in Kiss and other works; I just appreciate these pockets of simplicity.

Pax

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